Manifesto 2012: Bullet points to brilliance

Vote Bowater

Vote Bowater 2012 for Change, Hope and Belief.

Warwick University stands at a crossroads. Always threatening a new beginning, with greater opportunity and equality for all, I believe that my Presidency will finally see the change and development needed for a brighter future. By working together, we can level out the playing field and create a union of the people, with greater justice, fairness and hope for all. We all need the freedom to dream and I promise my presidency will deliver the journey to the next generation. Only by acting together can we deliver a new faith, liberty and student rights for all. With my progressive policies, ‘empowerment’ will become an attainable goal, not just a buzzword. With benchmarked targets, I will ensure a new synergy between university groups that delivers proactive, streamlined policies. This will ensure an organic growth of leverage over external interests to close the accountability gulf in Warwick. With clear goal thinking, we can deliver an era of outside the box policies that fully harnesses our student’s potential. Believe in tomorrow and surely it will arrive today.

Sensible policies: delivering real results

  • Renaming of University from ‘Warwick’ to ‘Woxbridge’- because together, we can get over the rejection.

  • More cashpoints around campus- with the threat of terrorism rising every day, the ‘not union responsibility’ excuse won’t wash anymore

  • Greggs on campus- non-negotiable.

  • Allow anyone on campus to buy Rugby hoodies- because we all have the right to at least have a shot at getting laid.

  • Cheaper alcohol- it can be paid for! We don’t need an Atrium despite what the university political elites may tell you.

  • One week for all demographics- one week of intense awareness is better than tiring repeats of the same events for different groups.

  • Followed by one week of awareness for people without a demographic- they do exist and their plight is real.

  • Energy save to save money- Rootes lighting to be turned off from seven pm to seven am every night.

  • All accommodation fire alarms to be linked to one another- so that a potential fire in Bluebell triggers the alarms in Westwood. For further information on how this will reduce potential fire catastrophe see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fire_of_London. It spread real quick.

  • Renaming Curiositea to ‘Fuck You Costa’- like hell am I paying that much money for a coffee.

  •  Random card access change- with university building access changing randomly for each student every hour, much will be done to alleviate the issue of seating in the library, owing to lack of entry opportunity.

  • Building of university monorail- for the improvement of cross-university travel and to remind us that the Simpsons was once quite funny.

  • Commissioning of Warwick university model village- to increase tourism revenue for the university in light of governmental education cuts (bloody Tories)

  • Redirection of the one way system down library road to include the M1- to alleviate new traffic and congestion pressure that the model village will bring.

Electoral reform: making elections more realistic

  • Proportional representation for officer elections- proportional allocation of votes based on voter’s body mass because bigger is better.

  • Remove spending limits on officer elections- it’s my dad’s money and I shall spend it how I bloody well choose.

  • Remove gimmicks from elections- it just encourages idiots to vote and there’s only one thing worse than low turnout: simpletons voting.

  • Make candidate mascot’s compulsory- because boring elections can be improved with a cartoon like my very own Big Duck.

  • ‘Hail to the Chief’ or ‘The Imperial March’ (to be decided by Referenda) for the elected President's entrance at ALL union events- otherwise, what’s the point of being President?

  • Naked Tuesdays

Boycott and bans: the weapons against offence

  • Boycott free range eggs- without the security of the cage; the humble hen/chicken is not protected against threats such as foxes and strong winds. Animal rights issues can be easily solved by simply putting yourself in the animal’s place. I mean, would you want to live in a field?

  • Boycott all current alcohol products currently served in the union… except for Carlsberg- because there is nothing more ethical than drinking a product that is 98% your own urine and 2% racist people tears.

  • Banning of the following University hoodies- (because they make me look and feel bad)Banning of ‘Hollister’ and ‘Jack Willis’ products- as above with an extra emphasis on the ‘arse hole factor’

    • Rugby

    • Football

    • Lacrosse

    • Rowing

    • American Football

    • Cheer Leaders

    • Chess society

  • Boycott of Sky Sports and the Barclays Premier League on campus until Mike Ashley renames Newcastle FCs home ground back to ‘St James Park’- because boycotting things definitely makes a difference.

  • Boycott anti-cuts and increased fees demonstrations- awareness of the dangers of associating with the poor must be increased and this policy will see a direct reduction in union sponsored support for the Labour Party.

Coventry University: the on-going dilemma

  • Combat cross-university snobbery- by moving Coventry University to a North Sea Oil platform.

  • Fight funding discrepancy between Coventry and Warwick Universities- by moving Coventry University off the North Sea Oil platform and into the North Sea.

  • Move Warwick University to Warwick- both a reasonable solution to the Coventry problem and a genuine response to geographical confusion.

  • Move Leamington to Warwick, about 3 miles from New Campus location- to reduce issues with moving the campus in the first place.

  • New bus system- self-explanatory.

  • Creation of new rival university-allowing for us all to continue to hold some feeling of superiority over someone else.

With these simple, deliverable and realistic policies, Woxbridge University can become everything we, and our future employers, want it to be.

We can be contacted using: Smoke signals or Carrier Pigeon.

Vote Bowater 2012

Mr AARON BOWATER

Candidate for the position of President