Hope Returns 2013 Manifesto

Education

Common Sense Coursework

All long essay assessments will be redefined as ‘short, un-assessed essays in size fourteen font’.

New Numbers

As a big fan of maths and the sciences, I’ll celebrate my election victory by commissioning a completely new set of integers* to slot in between 89 and 90.

Increase Library Revenue

I will re-affirm my commitment to the present system of library fines, on the condition that the smug gits who sit behind their desks collecting the money have to pay 30p for every time a book is handed in early.

Fewer Contact Hours

Let's be honest with ourselves...

Reduce Time between Essay Submission and Feedback

No more than a full rotation of the Countdown clock between essay submission and feedback. If it was good enough for Richard Whitely, it's good enough for us.

Outsourcing in the Global Economy

Allow students to outsource their exam papers to China.

*Humanities students, this means 'numbers'.

Sport

CMD: Campaign for Muscular Disarmament

Anyone who partakes in the following sports: Rugby, rowing, football, american football, and chess shall be forced to reduce their belief in their abs by participating in one session of classic and modern dance every week.

A Sporting Chance

I’ll introduce pulling quotas at Pop to make sure there are enough one-night stands to go around.

Free lolly pops after Pop for those who don't pull

Being ugly is hard to deal with. This softens the blow.

Tougher Borders

I'll strengthen our sports clubs by introducing campus border controls and denying visas to visiting teams' best players.

World Renowned Sports Stars

Annual Warwick Sport budget to be put towards signing Emile Heskey for the men’s football team (or failing that, Titus Bramble).

Democracy and Development

A Winning Partnership

I will propose an international partnership with The University of Djibouti. All Warwick Business School activities will then be transferred to our sister institution.

Thrift's Travel Expenses

I've had enough of Vice Chancellor Nigel Thrift's flagrant abuse of his travel expenses. As president, I'll make sure that he spreads his £33,000 a year across ALL countries evenly. Why should the posh hotels in Ougadougou miss out?

United States of Warwick

A Bowater Presidency shall follow in the footsteps of the USA by becoming a republic, with electoral college votes allocated to each accommodation block, society and Leamington North and South. I shall consider a boundary review including Warwick Snow, depending upon who they elect, erm, support. The vote will not be extended to Kenilworth residents - it's your own stupid fault for living there in the first place.

Wider variety of red wine in the Terrace Bar

My team told me not to include this pledge but I can't stomach any more of that so-called 'Merlot'. Cabernet Suauvignon now!

Erect a real Warwick Bubble

We can hire this guy.

Welfare

A President for the Faithful

I will mark the first days of my presidency by awarding an honorary doctorate to God.

Bring Home to Warwick

I’ll help international students settle by directing the SU’s defence budget into the annexing of their countries of origin. This will completely remove all visa difficulties and currency exchanges.

Back to the future. Old solutions to old problems (thus rendering both relatively new)

The Leamington-Campus Freedom Line

Last year, I was a keen supporter of a campus monorail. Having now had prolonged exposure to the U1 bus it has become clear, we need a monorail linking our hubs. I've seen monorails in Brockway, Ogdenville and north Haverbrook and by gum it put them on the map.

Two-Pasty Solution

Last year, my singular Greggs on campus policy showed a total disregard for both the size of our campus, and the pretentiousness of some of our students. As such, the atrium will now have a Greggs and WBS will have a 'West-Cornwall Pasty Company' outlet....whatever the hell that is.

Woxbridge 2.0

As Warwick continues to rise in stature within the academic community, I will extend an invitation to Oxford and Cambridge universities to become our East-Anglia and South-Eastern campuses respectively.

Model village: Rebuild Warwick University but Ten Times Bigger

This way, we shall not need to invest in a costly model village by making the current site the biggest model village in the world.

Naked Tuesdays

Societies

Social Mobility

I shall increase social mobility at the university by removing the societies federation fee. And by introducing free scooters.

Market Forces for One World Week

One World Week will now be replaced with a Clash of Civilisations competition to find out which one nation is the best. My money is on China.

Introduce the 'Free lunch, hot chocolate and toastie society'

By renaming the Christian Union to the above, we shall increase not only their membership but ensure wider campus understanding of what having a faith is really about.

Transfer Snooker from Sports to Societies

We all know why.

Warwick Illuminati

Rename Societies officer to 'head of illuminati' and rename societies federation 'the brotherhood' (/sisterhood for equal opps). This way, Warwick University shall see the windfall of the next Dan Brown book.

Security

Tough On Uni Terror

Coventry University's (alleged) nuclear weapons programme must be stopped. The SU's surplus, which last year stood at a highish number, will be directed into the defences YOU need (nukes).

Back To Boycott Basics

A Bowater presidency will boycott boycotts, and any talk of boycotts, and the words 'Boy' and 'Cot' being in the same sentence.

Boycott this manifesto

For the reason stated above.

Postgraduates

Post-Postgraduates

I’ll take strident measures to help postgraduate students find employment: by cancelling their degree programmes.